Preface
It’s June 6, 2024, and I’m 27 years old.
The idea for the weekly review was born on my birthday two years ago. As I mentioned in last year’s summary, this is a column and ritual I want to keep up, and it has arrived as promised.
In the first year, I wrote 40 weekly reviews, but last year there were only 20. What decreased wasn’t just the quantity, but also my reflections, emotions, and desire for expression. I often say that the weekly review is a vessel for my life and expression, and when my life is in disarray, it’s impossible to write anything meaningful. But it seems that there were far too many such “bad state” moments this year, or to put it another way, I was too indulgent with myself in this state, which is frightening.
I originally thought that the years after growing up wouldn’t have as many changes as right after graduation, and I was even prepared to accept that life would eventually settle into tranquility. But standing here now, looking back on this entire year, many things still happened.
The Moon and Sixpence
For a period of time, my senior would squeeze out time on weekday afternoons to go to the art studio to paint. For several consecutive days, she encountered two students chatting and painting in a focused yet relaxed manner. Feeling a bit envious, she asked them what the secret was to being able to paint freely on weekday afternoons. One of them shrugged and said, “Just endure poverty, that’s all.”
It seems that people can’t look up at the moon while picking up coins at the same time.
But perhaps because I’ve been fortunate enough to be protected by those around me as I grew up, I’ve always been an idealistic person. What I’ve always pursued doesn’t seem to be job titles or income, but rather an environment and atmosphere that allows me to continue doing what I love, and a group of like-minded companions with whom I can grow together sincerely.
I also despise the so-called workplace culture. In my previous job, I would directly express my dissatisfaction at company-wide meetings about unreasonable client demands and project managers who were adept at shirking responsibility, rather than being “smooth”. Many “experienced” seniors and friends often remind me after our chats to have some sense of caution or to let go of these impractical obsessions, advising me to grab those more tangible, visible benefits early on. I understand, and I know it’s useful, but I can’t convince myself to do it.
Fortunately, everything I pursue can be found everywhere in RSS3, in my current team.
Shortly after my birthday last year, I successfully passed the probation review here. As mentioned in a previous article “Weekly Review #58 - A Year of Remote Work”, work itself has had its busy and leisurely times, with ups and downs. A year has passed unknowingly, and I look forward to going further together.
The Little Prince and His Rose
Also shortly after my birthday last year, I fell in love (see “Weekly Review #43 - In the Mood for Love”), and it’s been a year now. Just like the Little Prince and his rose, we’ve invested time in each other, making each other more important.
A few days ago, there was an internal sharing session at the company. Instead of choosing topics I’m more proficient in, like tool usage or writing experience, I shared a more personal topic - dating an older woman. Only then did I realize that everything related to her seems to be the source of my desire to share.
This year, we’ve been to many places together. We’ve seen the waves in Bali, ridden camels in the Inner Mongolia desert, danced at a beer festival in Beijing, soaked in mountain spring water in Tangshan, Nanjing, run barefoot laughing on the beach in Aranya, and strolled slowly by the small river in Hangzhou. We’ve learned many things together: getting up at six or seven on frigid winter mornings for private lessons, our first time learning boxing, our first time painting with oils, our first time surfing…
What we’ve experienced this year is just like what’s described in a poem by Rumi that I really like:
The questions I ask are all about you,
Every step I take points towards you.
You are everywhere,
In every sound I hear, in every sight I see.
Growing Up is a Dispiriting Affair
From a worldly perspective, everything seems to be progressing smoothly. Work, romance, and life - these major themes assigned to humans - all seem to be proceeding according to plan, even too smoothly. As members of society and family, we also seem to be fulfilling our responsibilities. As people grow older, they seem to become gentler towards the world, yet more neglectful of themselves.
“I’m in Kernel Panic.”
This has been my WeChat signature for a very long time. It’s a warning to myself, and the cause of panic still exists today. There are still many things in life that don’t go as wished, and whether looking inward or seeking outward, I’m still far from my ideal self. But it seems I’ve already reconciled with this world, or rather, compromised, giving way to more mundane and concrete things in life, like family affection and social interactions.
When we were in Inner Mongolia for several days, drinking and feasting with various relatives, we both started to miss our former selves from a few years ago. Back then, we both had so much time to read the books we wanted to read, learn the things we wanted to learn, and become the people we wanted to become, instead of being confined here as symbols of society and family. Now, what we seek hasn’t changed - my senior still wants to go to a place far from crowds to paint, and I still want to stay at home to learn new technologies or develop products I like. But we’ve both learned how to play the role of a “good” social person, forgetting how to play “ourselves”.
Realizing this change is actually a bit sad. It’s not sad that we’ve changed, but sad that this is what growth is, that this is what family and friends mean when they say “you’ve matured a lot”. And growth, inherently, is a dispiriting affair.
Other Thoughts
But I’m still grateful for the people who have cared about and followed me over the past year, even though I no longer update weekly. I even woke up this morning to birthday wishes from a new reader I don’t know, few words, yet warm and touching.
Growing up is indeed a dispiriting affair, but I’m still willing to use weekly reviews to document these once black-and-white, uncompromising days, and I’m thankful for all of you who have accompanied me through these times.
Happy 27th birthday to myself.
Special Event
I’ve been using this blog to record my life for two years now, leaving behind many memories and fortunately getting to know all of you. I will select 6 friends from the comments on this blog post and send them small gifts I’ve prepared, wishing you all continued happiness.
The draw will last until 23:59 on June 10th, UTC +8 time. The results will be announced in the Telegram Channel “Yu’s Life” and will also be replied to in the selected comments. I will contact you then. Thank you all again for your companionship.
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