Preface
This is a record and reflection of my life from November 30, 2023 to December 3, 2023.
On Sunday evening, while organizing various files, I realized upon opening the document that many previous issues were written in the crevices of workdays. Coincidentally, I returned to Hangzhou on Friday night, having more time to myself. I thought about not delaying the weekly review until midweek to avoid rushing.
I spent much of my journey and weekend reading books and catching up on anime. “Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End” was captivating; I couldn’t help but binge-watch 13 episodes, leaving me wanting more. It even rekindled my longing for the world of swords and magic, making me consider playing “Fire Emblem Engage”. However, while the Switch was charging, I started reading “Neurosis and Human Growth”, which consumed an entire day. By the weekend’s end, I hadn’t even turned on the Switch. Having not exercised much due to illness for two weeks, I resumed running, revisiting Hangzhou’s night scenery, reminiscing about that time in July and August, feeling as if it were a lifetime ago. There were many other interesting happenings as well.
The “Self-effacing” Personality
I often sense the awkward aspects of my personality brought about by past experiences, yet find myself at a loss on how to change. This week, I finished reading “Neurosis and Human Growth”. I rarely read such books; I’ve read “Inferiority Complex and Transcendence” and “The Courage to be Disliked” before, which, although resonating, left me feeling helpless. This book was recommended once and added to my reading list. When I started reading it over the weekend, I was captivated and finished it in a day, finding myself in many descriptions of the “self-effacing” type.
I find the most valuable aspect not to be any solution - psychological healing is not something that can be effective merely through theories from a few books. What’s precious is its apt description of behaviors and thought patterns that I find difficult to articulate, to the point of astonishment.
This passage resonated with me the most. I don’t consider myself overly indecisive, but I often seem to mess things up when faced with conflicts between love (in a broad sense, not limited to romantic feelings) and the rhythm of life itself. It’s like a consistently functioning program encountering an inevitable bug under specific conditions. The reason isn’t hard to find - I simply want both and can’t give up either.
I used to think it was perfectionism at play, making me expect a solution that satisfies both sides. Later, I gradually realized it wasn’t entirely that, but rather the conflict itself creating a strong sense of disorder, which I fear. In such moments, I don’t confide in either party about the problem I’m facing or seek help. Instead, I stubbornly pursue what I believe to be the optimal solution, one that can balance both sides. However, reality often makes it difficult to achieve both, leading to self-criticism and deprecation due to inability, which in turn triggers an even stronger sense of disorder.
This description might seem abstract, but a recent example comes to mind. In late August, I received an invitation for the muChiangmai mentor program, offering an opportunity to stay in Chiang Mai for a while. The condition was to complete an English Solidity Workshop, a challenging yet anticipated journey.
At that time, I was also planning my first trip with my senior. So, I thought about suggesting we go to Chiang Mai together during the National Day holiday. My senior was excited about this, starting to look at flight tickets and travel guides early on, buying pretty dresses, and asking me every couple of days if the itinerary was confirmed and when we could book tickets. Meanwhile, I was busy with work accumulated due to month-end deadlines and considering the workshop topic, never providing a concrete plan.
Until one day, my senior said, “I don’t know if it’s just my imagination, but it feels like you don’t really want to go to Chiang Mai with me.” Only then did I realize that I wasn’t actually too busy to even glance at flight times. Rather, I felt a strong sense of conflict and anxiety about simultaneously achieving “I should ensure that my first trip with my senior is perfectly planned” and “I should complete an English Workshop in Chiang Mai that satisfies me” within a short week. Unable to decide, and lacking confidence to manage well amidst many unknowns, I began to feel dejected about this disordered self, making it even harder to perceive my senior’s emotions and feelings.
In such moments, it didn’t occur to me to communicate this issue with my senior. Instead, I wrestled with myself until everything collapsed. In fact, during later communication, my senior expressed that she only wanted to leave footprints and memories of the two of us in another country, without much pursuit or obsession with Chiang Mai or the trip itself. I had added too much invisible pressure on myself in my imagination.
Of course, this is life, not a story. Belated realizations don’t necessarily lead to a happy ending for all. As seen in “Weekly Review #48 - Inner Mongolia Trip, Chiang Mai Digital Nomad, Restarted Weekly Review and Life”, our trip didn’t materialize. I went to Chiang Mai alone, and even now, “traveling together” remains a difficult topic for us to discuss lightly.
A few days ago, when we were discussing some previous thoughts, my senior sent me a fragment of her diary from that day, which included this passage:
He needs a sense of order. He can accept small disorders (occasional rain, casual daily life), but large-scale disorders (journey, relationship) overwhelm him.
I should give him more time. Pushing doesn’t work; he needs to figure it out himself. I should just do what I need to do at this time.
– 20230903
When I’m in a state of disorder, I’m grateful that she fully understands what I’m facing and trying to overcome, rather than just an exchange of emotions. Seeing this passage long after still moves me.
Another Perspective on Love
Perhaps because this is my weekly review, most of the time I narrate events from my perspective. A few days ago, during our chat, I saw some fragments of my senior’s diary for the first time, which was interesting to look back on.
Today, his WeChat messages were frequent, giving me enough sense of security. He must like me… right?
It’s enjoyable being with him. This week feels like a summer dream, making the entire June seem somewhat unreal.
– 20230618
This was the week I mentioned in my “In the Mood for Love” post, about going to Shanghai and Beijing. At that time, my feelings were budding, yet I felt awkward and at a loss.
Although the Shanghai trip lasted only two days, changes were quietly taking place, with emotions growing and spreading in my heart. We wandered on the Bund, guessing the words on the buildings across the river or on passing boats. Despite having umbrellas, we let ourselves get drenched in the sudden rain, laughing like two people who never grew up.
When we parted at Hongqiao, we both understood that we could no longer maintain that tacit understanding, yet I became afraid, hesitant, and evasive.
“Afraid of the feelings sprouting within me, fearing that my flawed self couldn’t bear such a complex relationship, and also fearing that I might be insincere in indulging in momentary joy.”
This was probably the most accurate depiction of my state at that time.
Looking back after a long time, it’s interesting to see the contrast. She was frank and sincere, while I was timid and struggling, these two hearts gradually drawing closer. Until:
OMG! We’re together now, love came so fast like a tornado. Let’s go with the flow, just be happy when he’s around.
In terms of getting along and understanding each other, we are truly completely different people.
I come from the southeast coast, she grew up in the northwestern desert; she is decisive in her actions, sometimes with a bit of a temper, while I am unhurried and can indeed wear down her temper; we studied under the same mentor, yet our career paths are entirely different; she enjoys rock climbing, boxing, surfing, and various sports, while I would rather stay in front of the computer for two months; she needs to sleep by 10 PM, I have no drowsiness even at 3 AM; our dietary habits are poles apart, we couldn’t find similar types of food in our plates from a not-so-large buffet restaurant; she needs the home to be orderly and refined, while my sense of order might come from organizing apps by color in folders and changing to a favorite theme color in VS Code; I love watching movies and anime, while she feels life is too short and prefers to seek a pure land through reading. …
Sometimes we marvel at how two such different people came together, and other times we feel it was meant to be, just as I quoted from a poem by Neruda on a card when sending flowers:
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Interesting Things
Input
Although most interesting inputs are automatically synced in the “Yu’s Life” Telegram channel, I’ll still select some to list here, making it feel more like a newsletter.
Books
- Neurosis and Human Growth, recommended by homura, finished reading, see above.
- What My Bones Know, about self-healing, perhaps reading it after “Neurosis and Human Growth” will provide a different perspective.
Articles
- Rust std fs slower than Python!? No, it’s hardware!
- The Inside Story of Microsoft’s Partnership with OpenAI | The New Yorker
- Payment Geography | Global Perspective on Crypto Adoption: Financial Freedom Exploration in Turbulent Economies - ivyheretochill
- Six Months of Static Blogging | Douchi
- Introduction to the More Friendly Concurrency Library conc | Li Wenzhou’s Blog
- A Discussion on Four-Layer Load Balancing | Cowabunga!
Videos
- Former ZEALER Employee Discusses Wang Ziru from a Communication Studies Perspective
- EVM: From Solidity to byte code, memory and storage
- DeFi Smart Contract Audit End-to-End | Thunder Loan - Security & Auditing Full Course Excerpt
Anime
- Spy × Family Part 2, Anya rocks!
- Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End, too captivating, binge-watched 13 episodes in one go.
Related Posts
