Preface
Today is June 6, 2022, and I am 25 years old. In truth, since that article I wrote two years ago on this day, “Confessions at 23: Pursuing Meaning,” I had intended to write one every year, as a way to account for the year past, whether it was splendid or mundane.
Much indeed happened when I was 23, but each time I opened a blank document, I found myself at a loss for words. Unlike high school or university, this year brought many changes: the passing of two close family members, fluctuations in my love life, the pressure of pursuing graduate studies in a different field, the anxiety of job hunting…
It became difficult to encapsulate these experiences under a clear theme or a few keywords. After struggling several times, I ultimately gave up. I consoled myself, thinking there was still the new year, and when work and my life situation for the foreseeable future became more certain, I would surely have more to say. Yet, I procrastinated until now.
What of this past year, my 24th?
On Love
It’s quite interesting to reflect on it. Many things happened this year as well, yet in reminiscing, it can all be encapsulated by the phrase “a love like a flower bouquet.”
To be honest with myself, I am not a person who handles emotions maturely. I pursue self-interest, often fear commitment, and struggle to manage interpersonal boundaries—these “player” qualities, as they might be called, are all present. Yet, I seem to be a fortunate person, having met once met someone willing to accept and grow alongside me.
This relationship began full of anticipation and beauty—two similar souls with shared goals and passionate interests, walking hand in hand as fellow travelers. For a long time, I was immersed in this state of bliss, even doubting whether I deserved such fortune. After all, I was once truly a flawed person who had done some regrettable things; being forgiven was already a blessing, how could I dare ask for more?
Over the past year, I changed a great deal. I began to think about and look forward to the future, to make promises, no longer fearing changes in my life. Together, we came to Beijing, adopted a cat, saved money, worked hard, adorning our busy yet fulfilling lives. We anticipated a new phase of returning to Hangzhou together, sketching out a future that belonged to us both. I often thought, this must be my perfect love.
However, the most perilous aspects of a relationship are self-satisfied giving and taking things for granted. Perhaps I always considered myself a fairly good boyfriend—present in time and space, working hard, trying to fulfill her desires as much as possible—but maybe that was the extent of it. Thinking back carefully, how long had it been since we opened our hearts to each other? How long since I had meticulously prepared a surprise for a special occasion? How long since we went on a proper date together? Even on the most important birthday, I forgot to light candles and make wishes, postponing it to the next day to make amends. There were so many things I failed to do.
Perhaps there are many reasons to make myself feel a little more at ease. For instance, we had agreed not to do anything superficial, even listing in advance the gifts we wanted to give each other for the coming year. Or that I had been working overtime every weekend for two consecutive months, leaving no energy to plan outings. Or that we had both transitioned from being classmates in the same major who spent every moment together to a new stage of work, with fewer common topics to discuss. Or perhaps…
It was only after this relationship ended so abruptly that I belatedly realized she might not have found her version of love in it. When the fantasy of love slowly overlapped with reality, when distance diluted the filter of the honeymoon phase, when I invested all my emotions and desire to share in the relationship, perhaps it had already slowly deviated from its original path. Only, I was the one who remained blissfully protected.
I’ve always considered myself not to be a typical romantic, never expecting my life to be as exciting as those in books or movies, simply trying to follow my own feelings and wishes as I move forward. I never imagined I would see so many reflections of my own life in such a film, even glimpsing the ending.
But is it truly impossible for a budding career and love to coexist?
To this day, I still don’t believe so. To borrow a line from one of “Xiao Lu Lawrence’s” videos:
“She is actually a person easily satisfied. Feeding a red panda could make her happy for days, or even me not having to work overtime editing videos could make her dance with joy. She would also cry like a fool after watching ‘A Flower Bouquet-like Love.’ My point of empathy differs from Mr. Mi’s; it’s when they go to the bookstore, and the male lead keeps reading ‘success’ books, because I’ve been reading management books lately. I understand him because, it’s not that we no longer like literature, but sometimes in life, we have to change and adapt desperately just to barely maintain the status quo.”
Sometimes I think, “maintaining the status quo” is such a beautiful phrase. In some stages of life, we can leisurely feel and enjoy the beauty of love, while in others, merely maintaining requires desperate changes.
I’ve always felt that the fondness between two people is based on mutual admiration—a heartfelt recognition of each other’s personalities, actions, and passions. The admired person feels fulfilled, while the admirer’s eyes and gestures radiate light. Perhaps I had placed less focus on the other person’s individual actions, perhaps many of my once-attractive qualities had been submerged in the trivialities of life and work, no longer worthy of admiration. There are many perhapses, but regardless of acceptance, at least this phase of our destiny has concluded.
A month has passed imperceptibly, and to my own surprise, I haven’t fallen into the expected self-destruction. It’s like a line from a drama I recently enjoyed, “My Liberation Notes”:
“But I want to break free. I hope my life can truly become happy. So, come and admire me. This way, when spring arrives, both you and I will transform.”
In truth, I rarely speak openly about my relationships. I never expected to ramble on so much in this manner. This relationship held great significance for me, and I regret not sharing it at the right moment. Now, it’s probably expired sweetness.
I’m still searching for redemption in this relationship or this phase of life. My heart will continue to preserve or rekindle this admiration until I can no longer move forward, I suppose. Regardless of the outcome, those who are loved will have their hearts filled and experience happiness.
On Other Matters
In my work journey over the past year, I moved from the trepidation of entering the workforce, through the painful struggle of being thrust into managing a project, to everything gradually falling into place. I gained much learning and growth from work, met a very compatible leader and an interesting project team. Another leader often encourages me on Twitter to consolidate my growth. I’m grateful that my first job allowed me to meet them.
It’s quite emotional to reflect. Although there were many ups and downs, looking back now, most seem trivial. Yet, I neglected truly important aspects of life and emotions because of these. I suppose this is life—it’s never possible to view one’s every move from God’s perspective. But at least I’m still doing what I love in the industry I chose to pursue. This is perhaps the greatest fortune.
I began writing blog posts again in earnest. This year, I published 22 blog posts, although half were updated just last month. I filled the gap I had long wanted to write about blog setup, received quite a bit of attention and comments, and met many like-minded friends. Because of these articles, I became an author on “Sspai”, had an article shared by its founder, and even received invitations for commissioned articles—an interesting experience.
In the new year, I should continue to persist in output.
I’ve always wanted to contribute properly to open source, but unexpectedly, it was a GitHub project I published last month, reorganizing my various tools, “pseudoyu/yu-tools Personal Toolbox”, that earned me my first 100 stars—an unexpected joy.
In the coming year, I hope to focus more on input and consolidation, making more code contributions to open source projects.
Perhaps I still carry the soul of an English major. I completed the translation of 8 Go language-related technical articles in the “GoCN Translation Group”, participated in the “Blockchain Dark Forest Self-Rescue Manual” led by the blockchain security expert Cosine, completing the English version translation and global release. This can be considered a small contribution to the blockchain industry.
Perhaps these are merely insignificant steps on the path of technology, but at least I’m moving forward.
Conclusion
This was my 24th year, ordinary yet unforgettable.
For the upcoming 25th year, I can’t say I have too many expectations. Let me end with a quote from my comment on a video by “Xiao Lu Lawrence”:
“There are times in life when we need to struggle and force ourselves to live on alone.”
I’m grateful for his comment as my favorite blogger on that post; it was very encouraging. I’m also thankful for all the family and friends who care about me. In the new year, please continue to look after me.
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